By Dr. Cornelius Bumfuzzle

Most people considered Major League to be a comedy, but I considered it to be a documentary. When you have people you want to get rid of you have to know how to do it. Sometimes, people aren’t given the great gift of self-awareness and Carlos Lee is one of those people.

The Astros have reportedly consummated two trades this season involving Lee and yet he still won’t go away. Don’t you think he would get the hint? It’s not that he’s fat slob that hasn’t cared about anything in his entire career. The Astros are beyond that at this point. They just want to play the young kids on a team that isn’t going anywhere in 2012. Jim Crane and company doesn’t have to make the kids ride the World War II plane or broken down bus. They are handling the losing just fine.

Give it up to the Houston Astros for trying to help the guy out. They had deals worked out with the Brewers and Dodgers. Both of those teams have a chance to win. Heck, the Dodgers are still only one game out in the NL West in spite of not having Matt Kemp for half of the season. He’s coming back soon, so the Dodgers could be making a resurgence.

Lee had been to the playoffs only once in his career. Maybe that is the first clue. When deciding on where to go back in 2007 he could have gone to Baltimore, San Francisco, or Houston. Choosing the Orioles would have been too obvious, but I’m sure his representatives pointed out that he had a ranch near Houston, so he could mask his unwillingness to compete with a desire to stay home. October baseball means an opportunity to win a championship and lasting fame. It also means an extra month of work without extra pay (beyond the paltry playoff shares).

Dr. Bumfuzzle went scouring the internet yesterday to find some suggestions on how the Astros should proceed with Lee. Most suggested benching the guy, but for someone that doesn’t have a competitive bone in his body, benching simply isn’t going to cut it. You want the guy to go out the door screaming, so here were the best suggestions Bumfuzzle heard along the way.

  • Assign a nutritionist to Lee at home and on the road. He is not allowed to take place in pre-game meals with the team. His meals will consist of Lean Cuisine TV dinners.
  • Carlos Lee’s Gatorade bucket will be replaced with V-8.
  • Find the teammate that snores the loudest and assign Lee to room with him on the road.
  • Give Lee a size 32 waist uniform pants but put his number (40? 44?) on the waist band and just watch him struggle to put it on. It’s what we call ten pounds of crap in a five pound bag.
  • Lee has to down a rice cake every time he doesn’t get on base.

You institute some of those changes and he’ll come begging for a trade. It won’t even have to be a contender either. Heck, he won’t even stipulate that the team has to be on the same continent. Could you imagine a player’s who’s shadow weighs 40 pounds playing in Japan?

Dr. Cornelius Bumfuzzle

Dr. Cornelius Bumfuzzle is a graduate of the prestigious Hollywood Upstairs Fantasy Sports College. His acclaimed dissertation on the link between Astrology and sports is celebrated in a number of different countries around the world. Dr. Bumfuzzle's horoscopes can be found on in the Hardballchat humor section.

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